Be Like Mike

The narwhal had a horn and whenever he wanted to give someone a hug or a high five he gave them stabs instead. He would go to high five a beluga whale but instead of a high five he gave him a stab. The beluga whale said, “you stabbed me bro. what the fuck." The beluga whale stopped hanging out with the narwhal. Eventually all the sea creatures stopped hanging out with the narwhal, because of the stabs. The narwhal watched youtube videos of Michael Jordan dunking. He did this because it was the only thing he could do. On a forum dedicated to youtube videos of Michael Jordan dunking, he left a post. The post said, “I wish I could be like Michael Jordan. I wish I could have arms and legs and not flippers and horns.” User s-pippen saw this. User s-pippen was a unicorn, and she cried. She thought, I want hands and feet. I could do so many things if I only had hands and feet.

If I Had A Robot I'd Be Happy

No, you'd just be a sad kid with a robot.

Limbo

I meet Allison when I realize I never get hungry. I meet Sam a little bit after that. We all meet Lauren and Chris next to a pond. We try to drink the water but it never touches our lips. It doesn’t really matter because we are never thirsty.

While we walk, Sam and Lauren hold hands. Chris and I talk about high school and cheeseburgers. Allison sends me text messages. I read them later in a corner without light.

We make camp. We think it will get dark eventually but it never does. Everyone pretends to sleep. Allison and I draw shapes on each other’s back.

We walk through a city lit by LEDs. Eventually I vomit. Everyone laughs. I laugh while I vomit. The vomit is clear and it tastes like water.

Her face is bright and I want to kiss her but my little heart beats so fast.

Kanye West Is Alive And There Is Nothing You Can Do To Stop It

When someone says they hate X what they really mean is, “I am scared that I live in a universe apathetic to the anxiety it creates in the minds of sentient creatures via the deployment of chemicals in response to certain stimuli, such as the thought, ‘the universe is apathetic to my anxiety,' or the experience of watching a Kanye West music video, like that forty minute one that came out a few weeks ago, and has this one lyric, that goes: ‘she finds pictures in my email / I sent this bitch a picture of my dick / I don’t know what it is with females / but I’m not too good at that shit,’ and then I become terrified because I unwillingly identify with it on a personal level in a way that disgusts me.”

Haiku About Young People and the Internet

Anatomy of Bullshit

sweet aviators

American Apparel

organs that breathe out

Sex

we are both naked

my tongue is inside my mouth

we watch anime

Facebook Privacy Settings

klavika type face

she is drunk and so are they

Send a Friend Request

Hikikomori

my face and my room

are blue on the carpeting

i am on my back

Saturday

i have no friends

i read Helvetica font

sometimes i type 'lol'

Hikikomori 2

dolphins suffocate

on a beach made out of gold

laptop computers

I Am Unhappy And I Hate Myself

jeans and skirts and thighs

they ask why i am leaving

they touch each other

Boardwalk

arcade cabinet

she and i are both standing

upright like bipeds


I Borrowed Her Lighter When We Went To The Beach


"there are more stars than
grains of sand between our toes
and inside our socks"

.Gif of A Species

picture of a cat

the cat is in a spaceship

the spaceship blasts off

It Is Raining

the window is wet

the sky is everywhere

outside of the house

Friendship In A Universe That Actively Seeks Out And Annihilates Hope

I heard on the news they are going to nuke San Diego next.  I don’t know where we are going to eat quesadillas now. I’m coming up this weekend. My girlfriend is dead so I’m bringing her copy of Mario Kart. I lost my lighter but I think we can still smoke a little, because most everything is on fire anyways. If you don’t have your TV anymore that’s fine, we can throw shit off of buildings instead. I'll say things like, "I think we are going to die," and "we are going to die." You'll say "we are already dead," or "we should throw the printer over next." Then we'll throw the printer off the building while we disintegrate gradually and high five.

My review of The Social Network

I guess I learned that you're poor or you make a lot of money and then you die alone, unless you don't.


David Fincher made a bunch of images that look like reality only tinier and with more existential dread/fear and with more of Jesse Eisenberg's head/neck. When Trent Reznor's name came up I giggled even though I already knew he did the music with Atticus Ross. His music made me want to violate people's privacy and row boats. Kevin Spacey is somehow involved in a way that feels tangential yet also eerily relevant. Jesse Eisenberg made me hate him and not hate him and relate to him but also want to fucking murder him. Justin Timberlake was an evil dick with asthma. Andrew Garfield spoke with an american accent but he also made me lawyer up because he is fucking coming at me and he isn't just coming for thirty percent but the whole fucking thing. He also made a chicken eat chicken, like how marlins eat trout. Felt really good about this movie coming out. Audibly said "it was really good" and then said "that movie was really fucking good" even more audibly. Also said "augh I fucking love Trent Reznor" with the same kind of sincerity I had when I said it at 13.


Fuck Harvard.