JWG circa 2009: Dolphin Depression

This was published in Chinquapin xxxi (31), a lit magazine by the students of the University of California, Santa Cruz.


Dolphin Depression


Fade in on a Male Dolphin smoking weed in the woods.
He goes to Dolphin physics class. Tap the X button to stay awake during lecture. The Male Dolphin meets a Lady Dolphin with hair done up like anemones. When they go to his aquatic dorm room they listen to Polvo’s “Lazy Comet” and talk about Sonic the Hedgehog Youth. He gets nervous and says something about David Foster Wallace before she grabs his prehensile Dolphin penis, and they have protected Dolphin sex. Input Up-Down-Up-Down-Left-Right-Select-Start to turn on infinite Orgasm mode. The Male Dolphin dreams about being a Dolphin writer but his blowhole is rimmed with fear. Sometimes he strums his guitar and writes a song for Lady Dolphin that he never plays for her. Sleep in till four. Tap the A button till six to fail your classes. The Male Dolphin screams in places where people can’t hear him. His screams sound like squeaks. Squeaking, he thinks about selling his ass on Dolphin craigslist to pay for Dolphin tuition. He thinks about joining the Dolphin Air Force. He thinks about the ocean. He thinks about very watery things. He thinks about lemon-lime beverages. Tap the B button to become a drain on society.  Input Quarter Circle Punch to get a job. The Male Dolphin works eight hours a day at a Dolphin American Apparel wearing scuba gear ironically. He has a tiny diamond of cocaine lodged in his blowhole when a customer asks him where the neon blue pantyhose are. When Lady Dolphin says “I don’t love you anymore” tap the Z button to not McFucking Kill Yourself. At work the next day the Male Dolphin passes out on the floor. Tap the Start button to wake up. Wake up to the green murk of the Pacific. Wish that reality was like the game “Ecco the Dolphin”, that aliens would come and suck up all life on this planet. Tap the O button to suffocate on the discarded plastic rings of a Coca-Cola six-pack. Cry Dolphin tears once you realize there is nothing after Game Over.