Tuesday, April 26, 2011

John Keats

John Keats was reincarnated as a whale. He ate krill for every meal. He played and jumped in the air. He didn’t think about death. One day he jumped too high in the air and he landed on Jonathan Franzen. Jonathan Franzen was killed instantly. The people who saw this said, “Holy shit, that’s John Keats.” The whale said, “ooooooooooooohm.” The whale was brought to poetry readings around the country. At the poetry readings, the whale said, “ooooooooooooohm.” The readings made audiences feel their possessions were evil. They emailed each other about how they wanted to destroy their possessions. They got tired of talking about it and they burned everything. They burned Xbox 360s and they burned cartons of non-dairy creamer. But when everything was gone, the people were sad. They asked the whale, “What do we do without Xbox 360s? What do we do without non-dairy creamer?” The whale didn’t care what they were saying. All the whale could do was think about death and say, “ooooooooooooohm.”

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


The room is completely empty except for us and everything else in it. At first we tried talking to each other, but there was only so much we could say. Since we were done talking we played checkers. It was something to do instead of being dead. Being alive, we played chess. I won at Mortal Kombat, but not Street Fighter. She won at tetherball, but not foursquare. I won at Starcraft, but not Settlers of Catan. We got tired of playing in nothing, so we built houses, and then cities. We made them out of cardboard and construction paper, and we walked around in nothing and said that it was something. We split our souls into many smaller souls. These souls had little feet and little hearts. They fit inside the cities, and when they looked around all they saw was construction paper and cardboard. They said, “this is something.” But when they left their homes, they saw the nothing. They built a sky to block out the nothing, and they held an annual prom, so they could do something every spring. At the prom, they are making eye contact. He looks at her eyes through her glasses. He wants to touch her, but there are so many things.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Real Talk

If you were born after 1983 and you are writing a poem about Jack Kerouac, if he isn't getting torn apart by great white sharks then your poem is probably stupid.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

We Are In a Taco Bell

We were once not in a Taco Bell. But in a Taco Bell she says I don't know, what do you want to do. I say I want an enchirito. She says they don't have enchiritos anymore. I say are you sure and she says yes. I look at the tile floor and I think about Tetris. She is looking at a chair. When we leave we go to our own cars and drive to our own houses. When we sleep, we sleep in our own beds.

Be Like Mike

The narwhal had a horn and whenever he wanted to give someone a hug or a high five he gave them stabs instead. He would go to high five a beluga whale but instead of a high five he gave him a stab. The beluga whale said, “you stabbed me bro. what the fuck." The beluga whale stopped hanging out with the narwhal. Eventually all the sea creatures stopped hanging out with the narwhal, because of the stabs. The narwhal watched youtube videos of Michael Jordan dunking. He did this because it was the only thing he could do. On a forum dedicated to youtube videos of Michael Jordan dunking, he left a post. The post said, “I wish I could be like Michael Jordan. I wish I could have arms and legs and not flippers and horns.” User s-pippen saw this. User s-pippen was a unicorn, and she cried. She thought, I want hands and feet. I could do so many things if I only had hands and feet.

Monday, January 24, 2011

If I Had A Robot I'd Be Happy

No, you'd just be a sad kid with a robot.

Saturday, January 15, 2011


I meet Allison when I realize I never get hungry. I meet Sam a little bit after that. We all meet Lauren and Chris next to a pond. We try to drink the water but it never touches our lips. It doesn’t really matter because we are never thirsty.

While we walk, Sam and Lauren hold hands. Chris and I talk about high school and cheeseburgers. Allison sends me text messages. I read them later in a corner without light.

We make camp. We think it will get dark eventually but it never does. Everyone pretends to sleep. Allison and I draw shapes on each other’s back.

We walk through a city lit by LEDs. Eventually I vomit. Everyone laughs. I laugh while I vomit. The vomit is clear and it tastes like water.

Her face is bright and I want to kiss her but my little heart beats so fast.